If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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