you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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