Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
my shit smells like andre
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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