mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
