dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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