I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
