I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
my mouth tastes like poor choices
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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