Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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