three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
