getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
