there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
