He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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