the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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