There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
