He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize