i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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