Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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