Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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