Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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