I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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