recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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