seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
