I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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