she was so not down for the gang bang
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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