I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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