I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
