Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
You ruined the universe
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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