Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
