Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
