she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
