so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
