Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
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