Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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