i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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