You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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