Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Green mimosas i think yes
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Randomize