woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
