we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
