All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
My dick has a subreddit
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
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