Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Randomize
