Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
