Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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