Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
