This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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