I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Randomize
