omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
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