I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
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