i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
