you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize