apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
