I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
