ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
