I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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