My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
