you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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