If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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