she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
