Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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