Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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